What I Wish My Mom Knew

Day 23 of 31

A few posts ago I wrote a slice called, I Wish You Knew. It was a piece that expressed all the great things about my daughter that I wish her birth mother knew. As I sat down to write today’s slice I started thinking about my own mother and all the things I wish she knew. I have had a complicated relationship with my mother. She started out ok-ish but somewhere along the way she went off the rails and possibly suffered from some type of low level mental illness. She currently has dementia but even if she didn’t I would not share this with her. My intent is not to hurt her feelings but instead to express my own feelings.

I Wish You Knew…

I wish you knew that when I was little I would listen for you to get up in the morning and sneak out so that I could spend time with you alone

I wish you knew that I liked it when you made clothes for my Barbies

I wish you knew that I appreciated how hard you worked as a single mom

I wish you knew that I never wanted you to have a hard life

I wish you knew that you had the power to create an easier life, although maybe you didn’t see that

I wish you knew that I went to college because that was my way out

I wish you knew that I would exhale when you would leave for work

I wish you knew that I would hear the car pull into the driveway and hold my breath

I wish you knew that to this day I can hear you coming home from work and screaming at us

I wish you knew that I was afraid of you

I wish you knew that I wonder if you experienced trauma when you were younger

I wish you knew that I relate well to others who have experienced difficult moms

I wish you knew that you taught me to be a mom by showing me what not to do

I wish you knew that my humor and resilience is a result of my interactions with you

I wish you knew that I am no longer afraid of you

I wish you knew that I see how difficult your life journey has been