Unknown Facts

Day 29 of 31

Today, as I was reading other people’s slices, I noticed at least three separate people had written about grief and it caused me to think of my father.

My father died in January of 2023. He was 87 when he died so he lived a long life. At least a decade before his death, he was diagnosed with recurrent metastatic melanoma. The melanoma that was originally treated with surgery (many years prior) had recurred in his lungs. At the time there was a new class of drugs, called immunotherapy. My father was lucky and ended up being one of the first people to receive a drug in this class called, Yervoy. It gave him 10 more years of life, without evidence of melanoma, but he did have some side effects that caused him to be very tired and his quality of life began to suffer. In January of 2023 he contracted Covid and although at first he rallied, he ended up dying from complications of Covid.

Just this past month, over a year since his death, I discovered one fact about him and one fact about his mother (my grandmother).

Fact number 1

He raised tropical fish.

I found this out after connecting on social media with someone who knew my father. He told me that after he married my mother he began raising tropical fish to relax. If you know my mother you would understand the need for relaxation coping strategies. My parents eventually divorced so I guess the tropical fish didn’t work. When I was little I remember seeing several large unused fish tanks in our garage so I guess this explains why they were there.

Fact number 2

My grandmother was crazy smart.

My father’s mother died when he was 17 and although I am sure he felt grief over that loss, he did not talk about his mother. Every once in a while I would ask a specific question about her and he would gladly answer, but unless I asked, he would not volunteer information. Just recently, my older sister visited my uncle. He shared with her that his mother was really smart. I knew that she was a high school math teacher but I did not know that she had a master’s degree in Math and that she knew how to speak 5 different languages.

Part of me can’t understand how my grandmother knowing 5 languages or getting a master’s degree in Math never came up. She died in 1952 and not many women at that time were earning advanced degrees, especially in Math. However, then I think about my father. He was pretty quiet. I remember asking him questions and he would often answer with only one or two words. He was definitely not a story teller but every now and then he would expand upon his answers and I used to love listening to him.

If he were still alive today I know that I could call him and give him a hard time about not telling me about the fish. He would likely tell me that he thought I knew about them. I imagine that he and I would laugh at the irony of his mother compared to us. Neither of us were very strong in Math and we certainly never learned another language let alone five!

If my dad were still alive I would want to ask him tons of questions but I don’t even know what those questions would be. I guess I would ask more questions about his mother and father. I would ask him why he married my mother. I would ask him what he was thinking the day my twin sister and I were born. I would ask him what his dreams were when he was a young child and to tell me about his biggest accomplishment. I would ask him if he’s proud of me and I know he would say yes, but I would ask him to tell me why, because I like praise and I am needy.

Of course, I say that I would call my dad and ask him questions, but the reality is, that’s not what I would do. If he were still living I would drive to his house, give him a giant hug, snuggle up with him on the couch and tell him how much I miss him.